My conflicting inner selves finally erupted today.

I don't know if feeling better is a good thing, because the paragraphs I had in my mind this morning just disappeared. & I hate the feeling of being unable to record all my emotions. It makes me feel as though I won't have any mistakes to learn from since I can't even remember them.

I badly wanted to go to school in the morning even though the coffee I drank left me wide awake even at 5:30 am. After skipping school so regularly on mondays, I made a promise to not skip school no matter what. So I told my mom to wake me up 10 minutes later than usual.

Imagine the shock I had when the clock read 8:59 when I opened my eyes. My mom didn't want me to go through the day with just 20 minutes of sleep and decided to not wake me up. I didn't know how to react when she told me that, because I would hurt her if I got angry. I mean, she did that cause she cared, but I had to pay for the consequences... I controlled myself.

I wanted to go to school so badly, yet the plans got ruined. I wanted to be responsible for a change and prove it to others, but failed to because of another person. People would think I'm running away again just because I kept escaping in the past. I so badly wanted to change myself, but because of that people will lose abit more trust in me again. I hate it when people's perception of others rarely change, especially when they're bad.

There were consequences to me being late today. Probably the early bird programme. Despite that, I still wanted to attend art tutorial and sit through the lessons even though I knew I'd be tired. Because I really wanted to see a change in me.

I wanted people to see the change in me and stop thinking I'm an irresponsible kid. I'm sick and tired of being so hopeless and useless. I'm sick of disappointing others, sick of not meeting my own expectations. I erupted because my plans of trying so hard failed.

& I wasn't the one who didn't want to go to school.



This isn't even a fraction of what I had in my mind today.

My brother needs the computer now.


I want to send out all the letters I've written.
But I don't dare to. I'm afraid of misinterpretations.

It hurts so bad. Everything's dragging me down. I need to find an escapade. I need to find the time to talk it all out. I'm confused.



I'm glad I have my friends and family (and teachers) with me. The art room's really like our second home, and thankyou Sarah for your note and presents. Loved them alot :) Even though my mom's decision of not waking me up caused many problems, I guess this is still a blessing in disguise for it helped me understand more about what my worries are.

Interestingly, life's much better when you're able to find faults with nobody but yourself. It helps you accept whatever people say easily, which is important on our journey to becoming a better person. Buck up, you fool.